On my ride tonight I had a small SUV come past me from behind and miss me by about an inch. When it happens you’re so in the moment of ‘oh my god’ that you don’t really realize the underlying thoughts you had until you’re either free of the issue or later on down the line after you’ve recovered from said hit or crash. I’ve never been hit by a vehicle on my bike, thank goodness, and I hope that never comes to pass. Tonight scared me. Scared me because of what lay on the shoulder next to the road, a not so nice landing pad of concrete rubble and metal, and the thoughts that came with the near hit. The hardest part was knowing I was riding alone and it would’ve been quite some time I imagine before anyone of note that values me would know of my plight. Also with that feeling of loneliness was that the loneliness was unwanted on my part. Riding solo is great because I don’t need a group to push me hard. I have an ability to destroy myself during a workout at my own urging. This was simply a recovery ride, a ride on which I’d have loved to have had company. A few other thoughts followed that, but for the sake of my own privacy I will refrain from sharing further. Regardless, they weren’t the happiest of thoughts and realizations. I turned around and headed back to the garage shortly after the close call, I had had enough. I got to see my child via FaceTime shortly after returning and it caused quite a few tears. Mostly because I realize I may not have gotten to do this, FaceTime that is, or perhaps ever again had things gone a different way. I also felt how quiet I became internally whilst watching a Disney umbrella be spun, play-doh be rolled into balls, and hearing ‘don’t cry daddy, I love you’. Watching my world on a screen enjoy themselves and be a toddler was the best part of my whole day, and I am thankful it was able to happen.
I’ll be on my bike again tomorrow, I hope. It helps to have a short memory with these sorts of ordeals and not think every vehicle is piloted by an imbecile. I have to say, the negative voice has been quiet tonight. It’s refreshing, but the gravity of the other thoughts has been a bit burdensome. However, I can’t complain about FaceTime or any waterworks on my part it invoked. The gravity of thoughts that feel productive is a nice burden to bear, if I can even call it a burden.
What a shakeup.