Mostly cloudy despite the sunny day

Today hasn’t been what I would consider a good day so far.  A few bright spots but it’s been shrouded in a fair amount of darkness and I feel as though I’m being pulled into the abyss again.  The dark lenses do not want to be removed from my minds eye, try as I might to pull them free.  Expectation is to blame I would think. The expectation of how things should be, and how they are. The dissonance is enough to make me tear up even as I type this.  To say that things are not as I had ever hoped or expected them to be is putting it very lightly.  A lot of blessings have been counted today and a few bright spots have been identified, but I feel like I’m subsisting on bread crumb sized portions of positivity.  I’ve read in more than a few places that giving up expectation is the only way to true happiness. While I can see that that would probably be the case in a perfect world, in the real world it seems like a load of bullshit to me.  Bullshit or not it still jumps out at me today.  Mostly because I’d prefer to be expectationless, but given that for the most part expectation is a normal and healthy thing, I am unable to buy into that completely.  I feel both spoiled and cursed at my present plight. My ‘bed’ is soft and for the most part comfortable, I go to sleep in a warm place and have all the amenities one could want in the western world. My family and friends are all healthy for the most part. I see these things, I do see them.  Blame the western world, we are a society that craves the discovery of the self, I very much feel a product of that view lately. I have a hatred for it today.  I’m not sure what’s reflecting what, the world reflecting what I am projecting, or the world projecting on me and me reflecting what is wrought upon me, who the hell knows today. Tomorrow is a new day, this one has taken a fair amount of time so far, and many hours remain.  I know everything can change in an instant. I’m cleaning and straightening my living space at the moment. It’s a sense of control I can appreciate seeing as else feels like a tailspin.  The ups and downs are atrocious lately. I will persevere as best I can, I say that to myself and you reader, as no one wants to be constantly barraged by pessimism.  Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to change life’s arc, even the waning hours of today hold that promise. I’ll cling to that possibility, but not expect it. 

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