I’ve been away from this for a while. Those problems discussed in previous posts continue to haunt me, but due to a series of very hard decisions I will finally agree with the counselor I was seeing that I Indeed saved my own life. Saving in the sense that I’ve decided the slow painful emotional and spiritual death I would have undoubtedly endured from the abuser were not In line with the promises I had made to myself a long time ago. I’m no longer in the beautiful location I was before, and truth be told, it’s a good thing. A place is just a place as I’ve explained to many friends and concerned individuals regarding the circumstances I’ve dealt with the last number of months. It’s hard to actually see the beauty in anything when you’re so fucking sad and hopeless that the mere act of meeting the next day fills you with more sadness and more hopelessness. A beautiful place is the stuff of nightmares when you feel that way. No amount of awe inspiring sights can remove that black veil covering everything.
I do not wish to give in depth details into what all transpired. A very long trip back home with my belongings in a moving van gave a lot of time to recount everything that had happened. To break it down simply I had a good month and a half, and the following five were unbearable.
When you’re gaslighted often, your good nature and intentions frequently manipulated, and abused both emotionally and verbally with no known perspective to measure ‘normal’ against, it is terrifying what you will tolerate from someone who says ‘I love you’.
What I have found more terrifying is the pervsere pattern of behavior of this individual and the insanity of what I walked away from as it pertains to myself and as I know now, many others from the past. To say the version of the world I was made to believe existed was warped is putting it lightly. I’m yet another casualty in a rather long line. It fucking sucks and it fucking hurts but I gave it my best shot, I gave it everything I had, and no amount of my giving was ever going to fill that black hole inside of them.
The amount of anger that had to rise up to gain the necessary traction to put the rubber to the road has continued to leave me feeling rather blunted emotionally. I went from crying nearly every day for 4 months, to being blindingly angry, and now to simply feeling somewhat numb. It’s an old feeling I knew well for a very long time. I see the cracks forming in the emotional armoring of it, for which I am thankful. I will shed it one day, I hope sooner than later.
The feeling of being back in a place where I am valued for exactly who I am has been a breath of fresh air and has given new looks to old things. Glimmers of hope and rays of light shine on a spirit that was hanging on a razors edge. It feels good. I have changed, I am not the same person that left. How I choose to embody that change and give it back to the world is up to me. I can choose to be bitter or choose to be better. My choices these days bring more smiles than tears and that’s a great feeling too.