Closer away 

I’ve been sidelined with a few very pressing matters recently. So pressing in fact they have superseded any attempts at writing of any sort.  I can say that lately despite all the shit going on, I don’t feel the depressive fog.  I feel more clear, a bit more focused.  I still feel like crap often and the negative ruminating bludgeon that is my inner voice has been an unconquerable bastard lately.  However, I do feel some clarity.  I recently stumbled upon the term ‘codependent’, and I gave the article a thorough read and about fell over when I basically saw myself portrayed in the article.  Not a ‘go me!’ Kind of realization, more of a ‘holy cow I need to explore this weakness’ further type realization.  I’ve been devouring any and all articles related to the topic. As I’ve stated in previous blogs I suck and have sucked all my life with boundaries. I’m awesome at thinking whatever is wrong with you, is likely due to something being wrong with me and that is what is causing you distress. It’s toxic, and I think it’s why the inner voice sometimes feels like a Titan that can’t possibly be bested.  It’s been given millions of seconds of time to practice and hone its tradecraft.  I’m a bit perturbed to see just how long I’ve allowed myself to in a sense be trampled on by a fair enough number of people.  As they say, recognizing a problem is the first step, so I’ve added that to the list of things I’ve been delving into, and it’s been interesting to learn.  I’m much more aware of myself lately I’d say. That disembodied ability to look at myself and a situation, as taught with mindfulness, is being brought to bear more often.  I’ve got a much clearer sense of where my boundaries are now, which feels good.  I say it feels good but it’s also terrifying because now I have to walk the walk if I talk the talk. I can’t bullshit someone and draw a line in the sand then back up and draw another when they step over the first.  It’s a scary endeavor but having a better sense of ‘control’ does feel good and it’s given my confidence in some ways a bit of a jump.  

Until next time. 

Feigned concern and it’s only deserved reply¬†

I feel I’ve been a victim of such a thing for a while now.  Abuse of ourselves by others is an insidious thing.  The frog and the slowly boiled water comes to mind.  I’ve had a lot of eye opening realizations lately. I don’t care to delve further but the kicker is that I’m a few hundred miles down a really shitty path and I’ve only finally gotten off the pickup truck and asked exactly where the fuck we are headed.  Because frankly the destination doesn’t look too appealing.  The destination isn’t something I signed up for and I feel my heels digging in and my cheek beginning to turn.  When someone asks how you are, you state how you are feeling and there’s a certain generosity that is felt and reciprocated when we open up.  Lately, well, for a bit now, I’ve found myself falling victim to inquiries into how I am, but in a tone of ‘just making sure you’re still here’.  Given the nature of the connection, it’s an appalling realization. Even more irritating is that it’s true, that’s the nature of the correspondence.  A reply on my behalf stating I’m not good, and this persons help is needed, is met with a text that mirrors a field of crickets.  You can shout all you want about needs to the crickets in the field, they don’t care, they have their own song to sing.  It’s a sad realization, a crushing one if I am being honest.  The bright side is that I only really started realizing it when I started paying attention to those in my life whose care and concern for my wellbeing was met with a sense of ‘you’re not alone, how can I help?’.  Offering themselves with no expectation of a return.  Only a mutual understanding that this is how friendships and really any relationship works. That one day they can trust that if they need me, I am there as well, and I always have been and always will.  I can’t imagine another standard of which to hold myself. 

I’ve decided to meet this feigned concern with silence. Answering makes me feel less than myself and it’s a roll of the dice as to whether a genuine reply will be given, but then again a genuine reply should never be wondered or worried about. Hence the necessity to remain silent.