Chances are people don’t change. Chances are always likely that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. Giving the benefit of the doubt in a situation I am dealing with lately continues to result in a feeling of having my heart ripped out and then set on fire in front of me. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I feel guilty as charged with that lately. A nightmare loop tape I keep entertaining. Strength is a hard thing to grasp at times. In some respects holding on shows strength, while other times it is the letting go that shows the most strength. I had a moment of clarity a few days ago, amid tears so heavy I could barely see the sheet of paper in front of me, I took out a red pen and wrote simply:
‘I never want to feel this way again.’
In that moment I knew only one thing, the feeling in my stomach, as though all of my insides had gone bad, the feeling of complete betrayal, and the literal pain in my heart, made me contemplate some very scary thoughts, were not worth the efforts I’ve been putting forth. It is not worth it to hope and to continually be made to feel as though the mere act of existing is a burden and a right I barely deserve. Faith can get you killed sometimes. I feel like I’ve died a few hundred times in the last few months. It’s as though I feel an emotional or relational ‘rock bottom’ and I come to find out there’s another level below as the floor is blown out from under me. This post won’t have much of a feel good nature to it, I have nothing to give of myself at the moment. I’ve been stretching the lifelines thrown by my friends to their absolute limit lately, and I feel I owe it to them along with myself to get to saving my soul and sanity. One decision means hurting someone I don’t think actually experiences any deep feelings, and another decision means cutting myself open continually on the whim that it might all work out. What used to be a bonfire of passionate energy feels like a rain soaked ember. Lately, I am that rain soaked ember.
I know that’s not the me that I want the world to experience, it’s also not the me that I myself want to embody. I know one thing, the way I felt, I never want to feel that way again. Ever.