Chances are

Chances are people don’t change. Chances are always likely that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.  Giving the benefit of the doubt in a situation I am dealing with lately continues to result in a feeling of having my heart ripped out and then set on fire in front of me.  They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I feel guilty as charged with that lately.  A nightmare loop tape I keep entertaining.  Strength is a hard thing to grasp at times.  In some respects holding on shows strength, while other times it is the letting go that shows the most strength.  I had a moment of clarity a few days ago, amid tears so heavy I could barely see the sheet of paper in front of me, I took out a red pen and wrote simply:

 ‘I never want to feel this way again.’    
In that moment I knew only one thing, the feeling in my stomach, as though all of my insides had gone bad, the feeling of complete betrayal, and the literal pain in my heart, made me contemplate some very scary thoughts, were not worth the efforts I’ve been putting forth.  It is not worth it to hope and to continually be made to feel as though the mere act of existing is a burden and a right I barely deserve. Faith can get you killed sometimes. I feel like I’ve died a few hundred times in the last few months. It’s as though I feel an emotional or relational ‘rock bottom’ and I come to find out there’s another level below as the floor is blown out from under me.  This post won’t have much of a feel good nature to it, I have nothing to give of myself at the moment.  I’ve been stretching the lifelines thrown by my friends to their absolute limit lately, and I feel I owe it to them along with myself to get to saving my soul and sanity. One decision means hurting someone I don’t think actually experiences any deep feelings, and another decision means cutting myself open continually on the whim that it might all work out.  What used to be a bonfire of passionate energy feels like a rain soaked ember. Lately, I am that rain soaked ember.   

I know that’s not the me that I want the world to experience, it’s also not the me that I myself want to embody.  I know one thing, the way I felt, I never want to feel that way again.  Ever.  

Closer away 

I’ve been sidelined with a few very pressing matters recently. So pressing in fact they have superseded any attempts at writing of any sort.  I can say that lately despite all the shit going on, I don’t feel the depressive fog.  I feel more clear, a bit more focused.  I still feel like crap often and the negative ruminating bludgeon that is my inner voice has been an unconquerable bastard lately.  However, I do feel some clarity.  I recently stumbled upon the term ‘codependent’, and I gave the article a thorough read and about fell over when I basically saw myself portrayed in the article.  Not a ‘go me!’ Kind of realization, more of a ‘holy cow I need to explore this weakness’ further type realization.  I’ve been devouring any and all articles related to the topic. As I’ve stated in previous blogs I suck and have sucked all my life with boundaries. I’m awesome at thinking whatever is wrong with you, is likely due to something being wrong with me and that is what is causing you distress. It’s toxic, and I think it’s why the inner voice sometimes feels like a Titan that can’t possibly be bested.  It’s been given millions of seconds of time to practice and hone its tradecraft.  I’m a bit perturbed to see just how long I’ve allowed myself to in a sense be trampled on by a fair enough number of people.  As they say, recognizing a problem is the first step, so I’ve added that to the list of things I’ve been delving into, and it’s been interesting to learn.  I’m much more aware of myself lately I’d say. That disembodied ability to look at myself and a situation, as taught with mindfulness, is being brought to bear more often.  I’ve got a much clearer sense of where my boundaries are now, which feels good.  I say it feels good but it’s also terrifying because now I have to walk the walk if I talk the talk. I can’t bullshit someone and draw a line in the sand then back up and draw another when they step over the first.  It’s a scary endeavor but having a better sense of ‘control’ does feel good and it’s given my confidence in some ways a bit of a jump.  

Until next time.