Eye contact 

They’ve done multiple studies related to depression and eye contact, or more to the point, the lack of eye contact initiated by depressed individuals.  Speaking of myself lately,  I will seat myself next to those folks doing a less than stellar job of maintaining even fleeting eye contact.  

It stems from what I am dealing with at the moment I have no doubt.  What I have been trying to understand is what factors are playing into that feeling of not being confident enough in myself to look people in the eye.  The most odd discovery is my inability to even look at myself in the mirror without feeling a sense of shame. Thinking about that, considering what’s going on, and what I’ve been finding, I’ve arrived at two big things and I will explain their impact.

-missing my daughter

-not living in a home I own

The first one, missing my daughter, is absolutely no shock to me at all. The shock comes in that because I miss her, I find myself afraid to speak of her.  Perhaps because it forces me to acknowledge inwardly how much I miss her.  Her name comes up, or children are discussed, and I feel this swell of love, pride, pain, and sadness.  It’s an odd mix, and given so much of my days lately are spent simply trying to stay level, I tend to fall into a feeling of despair because it hits me with such force. 

 The second issue I’ve identified is the lack of owning the home I currently live in at this time.  I own the home I lived in previously but due to my recent move, it is now being rented to a wonderful family. 

 I used to gripe about the stuff of homeownership, but I find myself missing that content feeling of ‘this is mine’.  Lately it’s a feeling of wanting to make a change to the home, or seeing something that could be fixed or improved etc, and knowing it’s pointless because I am a resident in the home but have no right to alter this place.

 I suppose it boils down to missing the feeling of control I experienced with owning my home, I could make any change I wanted, and I often did. I remember painting numerous walls, refinishing probably half the floors in the home due to my hatred for carpet, yard work, a paver brick patio, and countless other little home ownership memories.  

  I have control over a fair number of aspects of my life but none feel quite as concrete as having the controls experienced with the above two.  Control is the wrong word to use in Regards to my daughter, perhaps it’s that control of knowing I was only a short drive away. Now that short drive is a few hour plane flight, it’s quite an adjustment. 

Identifying those two things and their influence on me was a bit of a surprise for me. I’ve been forcing eye contact more the last few days, and it’s a task, I feel completely exposed.  Normalcy feeling uncomfortable is an oddity for sure. That’s the normalcy I want though, eye contact, confidence and ease. Fake it till ya make it, right?

That’s enough musing for the time being.  It feels good to express it, even though I likely know none of you that will read this.  I hope you, reader, are well and happiness keeps hold of your spirit. 

Telling the side 

So many things transpire in a typical day for each of us, and all we have most of the time is the way we as ourselves perceive them.  Even empathy is hard to relate to when you’ve got your ego screaming and throwing a tantrum in your skull as you try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.  I bring this up because even though we all have an ego, some of us tend to cage that thing up and muffle its cries even in poor situations. Muffling the ego in that respect is a bad thing as this to me is evidence that we don’t feel ourselves worthy enough to be heard or respected. 

Raise your hand if you’re like this…

(Slowly raising my hand)

I was alerted today that some of my unhappiness is likely related to not setting boundaries for how I will and won’t be treated. I kinda feel like complete and utter crap about myself on a fairly regular basis and here I am being told it’s my fault, awesome.   In a sense I am giving people the silent go ahead to walk all over me. That was hard to hear but as soon as I heard it I knew it immediately to be true. So at least I got the whole acceptance part outta the way! The weirdest part about it is that I’ve been known to cast a pretty long shadow and exhibit almost delusional confidence at times. Lately and for a while though that’s not been the case.  So then came the challenge to me to figure out what they are and where those boundary lines need to be placed. That’s something I’m still working on.  I don’t necessarily think the ego is a bad thing, I think when utilized effectively it drives us toward success.  Hubris is a quality however that makes me root for the demise of its possessor when I am exposed to that sort of individual.  

My new task for the near future is to entrench better boundaries into my day to day life and also into my personal life.  It is a challenge I don’t take lightly, but one that gives me some confidence at the outset as I know it will be a healthy thing to bring back into the persona I project to the world.