I was back home for a few days and the time away from here, and almost anything related to my day to day was a wonderful feeling. In previous posts I’ve mentioned the feeling of loneliness and isolation. Honestly until I went home I had no idea just how strong that feeling had actually become. Being around people who genuinely care and just enjoy my presence without any expectations was a feeling I haven’t had consistently in quite some time. It was a hell of a change to be crying happy tears through the weekend as opposed to the tears related to a broken spirit. Many many thoughts crossed my mind this weekend and I am still sifting through them and hope to arrange them enough to post a few things in the coming day or two. They will remain unvarnished and I’ll be as open as I can, but I feel that just dumping a hodge podge of thoughts wouldn’t help me and wouldn’t be an understandable read to anyone.
The gears of this therapeutic process begin to turn again.
I want to say that since becoming a father my view of ‘grand’ or ‘epic’ has altered significantly. I find myself lost in the minutiae of small moments when it comes to my child or other tiny tots in the family. I suppose it’s because I see the lightning storm that is their little minds taking in every single shred of stimuli in their immediate surroundings. Little sponges as they are sometimes called. They miss nothing, and for better or worse on that one! I have been exposed to the necessity and need for grand adventures, I’m almost always up for something new and love novel personal experience. From the outside looking in many would probably say that is what my life resembles lately. I took a big giant jump into the unknown about 6 months ago and to say it has been anything but a rather huge endeavor would not be proper. Fraught with ups and downs which is typical but lately many more downs than ups. Growth is never easy, evenly paced, or comfortable. I am trying to embrace that aspect even as tectonic shifts seem to move parts of my world daily.
Lately I find myself missing the epic moments on the scale of that of a child learning, or small moments with another that the world at large will never be privy to nor would the world at large even bat an eye. The shoulder shrugging moments we take for granted all the time are what I find myself pining for lately. I realize the vacuous space where those things used to pile up and overflow. I also realize the toll it takes on one when one sees the empty place where warmth used to reside. Big happenings, magnificent goals and grand achievements are always noteworthy and fulfilling, but at the end of the day it helps to have the little things to turn to for some epic-ness of a different and just as rewarding kind.