I am in between work tasks and decided to take a few minutes to come outside and enjoy the sunshine. The heat, and the subtle smells of spring feel full of hope and promise. It’s a far cry from the feelings I’ve been writing on lately. I talked with a friend for some time last evening, a friend I haven’t spoken with in months. It was an incredibly easy catch-up for the two of us. The way friends can go so long without speaking and then pick up as if a day hadn’t passed is incredibly comforting. To exchange compliments on what we’ve seen from the others ‘life’ in social media was fun as well, because it turned out neither of us quite had a proper bead on how the other was actually doing. We assume because we see, we know absolutely. What fools we are in that sort of assumption. A lot of kind and caring things were said to me, and it’s made a difference. I tend to take narrow views when things get difficult and it takes the outsiders perspective to knock me out of that at times. Mostly it was my narrow view that if I fail at the tasks that are set before me, I’ll be judged mercilessly by the masses. It was encouraging to hear this friend state that not only was I nuts to feel that way, but they were already proud of me, and that they aren’t the only ones who feel blessed to call me a friend. I sound like a blowhard at the moment but it came as a revelation of sorts. Even in ‘failure’ I have value to those that really care. I love my friends and those I value whether they fall flat on their faces or fly like birds. It’s been harder to feel that I am worthy of the same treatment and love mostly because of the amount of isolation I’ve been experiencing the couple few months. I’m convinced good friends will save your life. To give is a great thing and to have that giving given back is a phenomenal feeling. Like Tony Robbins said, ‘it’s not about me, it’s about we’. It felt good to exchange happiness yesterday, really really good.
They’ve done multiple studies related to depression and eye contact, or more to the point, the lack of eye contact initiated by depressed individuals. Speaking of myself lately, I will seat myself next to those folks doing a less than stellar job of maintaining even fleeting eye contact.
It stems from what I am dealing with at the moment I have no doubt. What I have been trying to understand is what factors are playing into that feeling of not being confident enough in myself to look people in the eye. The most odd discovery is my inability to even look at myself in the mirror without feeling a sense of shame. Thinking about that, considering what’s going on, and what I’ve been finding, I’ve arrived at two big things and I will explain their impact.
-missing my daughter
-not living in a home I own
The first one, missing my daughter, is absolutely no shock to me at all. The shock comes in that because I miss her, I find myself afraid to speak of her. Perhaps because it forces me to acknowledge inwardly how much I miss her. Her name comes up, or children are discussed, and I feel this swell of love, pride, pain, and sadness. It’s an odd mix, and given so much of my days lately are spent simply trying to stay level, I tend to fall into a feeling of despair because it hits me with such force.
The second issue I’ve identified is the lack of owning the home I currently live in at this time. I own the home I lived in previously but due to my recent move, it is now being rented to a wonderful family.
I used to gripe about the stuff of homeownership, but I find myself missing that content feeling of ‘this is mine’. Lately it’s a feeling of wanting to make a change to the home, or seeing something that could be fixed or improved etc, and knowing it’s pointless because I am a resident in the home but have no right to alter this place.
I suppose it boils down to missing the feeling of control I experienced with owning my home, I could make any change I wanted, and I often did. I remember painting numerous walls, refinishing probably half the floors in the home due to my hatred for carpet, yard work, a paver brick patio, and countless other little home ownership memories.
I have control over a fair number of aspects of my life but none feel quite as concrete as having the controls experienced with the above two. Control is the wrong word to use in Regards to my daughter, perhaps it’s that control of knowing I was only a short drive away. Now that short drive is a few hour plane flight, it’s quite an adjustment.
Identifying those two things and their influence on me was a bit of a surprise for me. I’ve been forcing eye contact more the last few days, and it’s a task, I feel completely exposed. Normalcy feeling uncomfortable is an oddity for sure. That’s the normalcy I want though, eye contact, confidence and ease. Fake it till ya make it, right?
That’s enough musing for the time being. It feels good to express it, even though I likely know none of you that will read this. I hope you, reader, are well and happiness keeps hold of your spirit.
I was back home for a few days and the time away from here, and almost anything related to my day to day was a wonderful feeling. In previous posts I’ve mentioned the feeling of loneliness and isolation. Honestly until I went home I had no idea just how strong that feeling had actually become. Being around people who genuinely care and just enjoy my presence without any expectations was a feeling I haven’t had consistently in quite some time. It was a hell of a change to be crying happy tears through the weekend as opposed to the tears related to a broken spirit. Many many thoughts crossed my mind this weekend and I am still sifting through them and hope to arrange them enough to post a few things in the coming day or two. They will remain unvarnished and I’ll be as open as I can, but I feel that just dumping a hodge podge of thoughts wouldn’t help me and wouldn’t be an understandable read to anyone.
The gears of this therapeutic process begin to turn again.