New perspective 

I’ve been away from this for a while. Those problems discussed in previous posts continue to haunt me, but due to a series of very hard decisions I will finally agree with the counselor I was seeing that I Indeed saved my own life.  Saving in the sense that I’ve decided the slow painful emotional and spiritual death I would have undoubtedly endured from the abuser were not In line with the promises I had made to myself a long time ago.  I’m no longer in the beautiful location I was before, and truth be told, it’s a good thing.  A place is just a place as I’ve explained to many friends and concerned individuals regarding the circumstances I’ve dealt with the last number of months. It’s hard to actually see the beauty in anything when you’re so fucking sad and hopeless that the mere act of meeting the next day fills you with more sadness and more hopelessness.  A beautiful place is the stuff of nightmares when you feel that way. No amount of awe inspiring sights can remove that black veil covering everything. 

I do not wish to give in depth details into what all transpired. A very long trip back home with my belongings in a moving van gave a lot of time to recount everything that had happened.  To break it down simply I had a good month and a half, and the following five were unbearable.  

When you’re gaslighted often, your good nature and intentions frequently manipulated, and abused both emotionally and verbally with no known perspective to measure ‘normal’ against, it is terrifying what you will tolerate from someone who says ‘I love you’.  

What I have found more terrifying is the pervsere pattern of behavior of this individual and the insanity of what I walked away from as it pertains to myself and as I know now, many others from the past. To say the version of the world I was made to believe existed was warped is putting it lightly.   I’m yet another casualty in a rather long line. It fucking sucks and it fucking hurts but I gave it my best shot, I gave it everything I had, and no amount of my giving was ever going to fill that black hole inside of them. 
The amount of anger that had to rise up to gain the necessary traction to put the rubber to the road has continued to leave me feeling rather blunted emotionally. I went from crying nearly every day for 4 months, to being blindingly angry, and now to simply feeling somewhat numb.  It’s an old feeling I knew well for a very long time. I see the cracks forming in the emotional armoring of it, for which I am thankful. I will shed it one day, I hope sooner than later.  

The feeling of being back in a place where I am valued for exactly who I am has been a breath of fresh air and has given new looks to old things.  Glimmers of hope and rays of light shine on a spirit that was hanging on a razors edge. It feels good.   I have changed, I am not the same person that left. How I choose to embody that change and give it back to the world is up to me. I can choose to be bitter or choose to be better. My choices these days bring more smiles than tears and that’s a great feeling too.  

Train cars 

I am in the midst of fighting some very severe depression.  There, I said it.  

I feel that I have always dealt with it in some form or fashion, as we all have. I gave it a name in college ‘the black cloud’.  It was as real a vision as that of a storm rolling in off of the ocean. Oddly enough I never really looked at it as depression, just always wrote it off as something else.  Regardless, it has always been around, or over me.  My old coping mechanisms were the old standbys that we tend to run toward when we are young and think we are invincible.  You stare back down that timeline, at least I do, and I’m horrified by some of those behaviors I used to escape.  Granted hindsight is 20/20, and the birth of my child caused a tectonic shift in me.  In so many ways in fact it’d likely take a few days to describe the breadth of those changes.  Today I can say I’m very proud of who I am and what I stand for.

  ‘Well why the hell are you depressed then!?’ You may ask, honestly it feels as though it’s grown into me almost like a cancer of peace of mind.  I’m the first to admit I am hard on myself and demand a lot of myself, I don’t tolerate mistakes on my part very well, especially if they affect anyone I care about.  This self flagellating behavior is only good when it is constructive. This shit lately is not.   Part of the reason I’ve decided to finally get help is due to the fact that I feel almost devoid of the ability to be content lately. I can list blessings that would fill a notebook and yet it feels as though I’ve talked myself out of the ability to be pleased with them as soon as I write them.  I find myself constantly questioning every mundane action as though it’s completion or incompletion has potential cataclysmic effects on the whole of my life, which is STUPID. It’s not only stupid but it’s just not true. We all have choices we make to determine our happiness or undermine it.  I am facing up to those choices that I have made and/or continue to make. Lately, just due to the fear of ‘what if I make the wrong call on this?’  It borders on an almost total paralysis of the ability to choose.  I’m very much a heart and belly kind of guy. When I do that in life, I feel fairly good. When I do it in a race I am damn near lethal.  Even knowing those two things,  I’m all up in my head damn near constantly these days. It is exhausting and is enough to age you twice as fast I swear. 

Admitting a problem is a mark of maturity,  it is also a mark of humility and self love.  The blog itself stems from the need to unload some of this constant dam-breaking type overwhelming feeling of darkness rolling over me sometimes.  I feel as though I view the world with darkly tinted lenses lately. I recognize the beautiful colors and realize that I live in one of the most beautiful places in the country, it feels like I am not actually here.  I function with what feels like a brain running at 150% but only delivering 30% to the world around me.  Perhaps anyone that has experienced these symptoms can attest to just how ‘off’ you feel. It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like I’m well over a half step off the beat these days. I continue to push like hell through each day as best I can, it’s just tiring.  

I had a wonderful walk today, it began with ‘hey, let’s just unhook the rail cars for just a little while, let’s just enjoy this, enjoy us, then we can hook them all back up when we are done.  Be here.’   It was that obvious. Granted I had just come from a counseling session, which explains the outward storminess in my demeanor, but still.  So I bought in, fully, I unhooked the rail cars for that walk.  Crazily enough I didn’t feel them hook back up through most of the afternoon.  As the night progresses I feel them again, which always seems to be the case as I have experienced in the past.

I’m turning over stones and looking in all directions in order to get a handle on this thing. If not only for me, for my child and those around me I love and cherish.  A friend recently suggested I look within, as icky as that may feel. I have been and it’s been quite icky, but I’ve gotten myself a little more out of my head in the process. It’s a start. They are all tiny starts, which will hopefully aggregate and become a nice bit of momentum soon.