I was gonna, but then you…

I was just sent a text of this nature and it cut me in two.  A nice gesture was proposed in a text. that text also contained the reason that the nice gesture wasn’t going to be done, the reason and justification for nixing the nice gesture was nothing in which I myself personally had any say.  

As I have recently learned, this constitutes abuse. 

This. Is. Abuse. I can not believe I am admitting that.  Even recognizing it as such, doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.  We are so willing to forgive and forgive those we love who show us a smattering of love but lack any and all consistency.  The ever present worry of stepping wrong is exhausting and unfair.  This is emotional terrorism, and I continue to allow it to happen.  I am making the choice to allow this torture to continue.  I could ask what the fuck is wrong with me, but I continue to search out just what it is that’s pulling me back to someone whose behaviors make me feel like nothing. Perhaps it’s that I am used to the abuse? That has become my normal?  As the victim always seems to do, I keepforgiving the abuser, when I’ve done nothing to deserve to be treated or made to feel this way.

  The sad part is I talk to talk to friends, were I to learn they are tolerating this, would I stand for it? Hell no.  I would pull them aside, give them a loving but stern talking to, and encourage them that they deserve better.  For the last 5-10 minutes I’ve repeated statements such as ‘I am worthy of love’, ‘I am enough’,’I have value’. I am both shocked and appalled I am actually saying these things to myself in reference to something that should at its top priority, never make me need to say these things to myself.  I’m sure others in these situations feel trapped as well. How do we know when to say when? The hammer is swinging today, and I’m keeping a hand on the handle and not doing anything to stop the beating…. 

What is wrong with me?