Sometimes that’s all I think you can tell yourself. I’ve fallen into that sort of mindset the past two days. I’ve been thinking so much I’m doing nothing but redlining my stress level, burning up the tires, and going nowhere with it! It’s stupid and I admit that. The toughest part is getting ahold of that lead foot on the accelerator to Shit-what-if-this-happens-ville. It’s a crappy town and usually you’re the only inhabitant. The problem with tough situations is that they are already tough, and our human brain’s need to figure out damn near every possible scenario is to blame for that malarkey. Hey as a human being I guess in a way it’s a talent. Let me explain. When I get fixated on some things, positive things, I obsess to an unhealthy degree over them. It’s an internal obsession but still, the things I sink my teeth into so to speak keep me awake at night. In those sorts of circumstances it brings about great things and great results in my undertakings. In those instances I can’t fault myself at all. There is always the other side of the coin to the obsessing though. Grabbing a beer and telling myself to sit down and shut up is an attempt to get this negative series of worries and fixations to pipe down for a little while. It’s exhausted me both yesterday and today, but prior to that I’d been having a string of pretty okay days. Nothing stupendous but not as many nose dives. It’s frustrating how strong those tracts are in our minds sometimes. A flap of the tiny butterflies wings sends a seismic shift through your mind and then you find yourself buried under fifty tons of ‘Im a sad sack of suck’. Commence the digging out and rebuilding to try again tomorrow! To start the process, I’m going to shut up and have a beer. Perhaps if you’re worrying yourself silly, you should too.
I was back home for a few days and the time away from here, and almost anything related to my day to day was a wonderful feeling. In previous posts I’ve mentioned the feeling of loneliness and isolation. Honestly until I went home I had no idea just how strong that feeling had actually become. Being around people who genuinely care and just enjoy my presence without any expectations was a feeling I haven’t had consistently in quite some time. It was a hell of a change to be crying happy tears through the weekend as opposed to the tears related to a broken spirit. Many many thoughts crossed my mind this weekend and I am still sifting through them and hope to arrange them enough to post a few things in the coming day or two. They will remain unvarnished and I’ll be as open as I can, but I feel that just dumping a hodge podge of thoughts wouldn’t help me and wouldn’t be an understandable read to anyone.
The gears of this therapeutic process begin to turn again.
I’m leaving my home today to fly home for the weekend. It’s odd to state that. It is hard to call a place I moved away from, home. I am flying back for good reason, spending time with family and perhaps even seeing a friend or two. Things haven’t been very steady here as you can easily gather from my previous posts. I say that and must immediately follow with a ‘but,’. At the moment I feel a soothing sense of ease as I leave. Things that have happened recently here have given me a shred of hope that’s thick enough to grip and hold. The fear of it unraveling and slipping from my hands is all too real, but it takes a leap of faith sometimes. A leap of faith with an expectation of needs being met feels safer than just diving headlong into a gamble. I think perhaps the best thing for me to do will be to simply cast off anything happening here and not worry about it until I touch back down on my return flight. Much the same as I have left the negative voices in the garage on my bike rides recently. We will see how successful I am.