Sometimes that’s all I think you can tell yourself. I’ve fallen into that sort of mindset the past two days. I’ve been thinking so much I’m doing nothing but redlining my stress level, burning up the tires, and going nowhere with it! It’s stupid and I admit that. The toughest part is getting ahold of that lead foot on the accelerator to Shit-what-if-this-happens-ville. It’s a crappy town and usually you’re the only inhabitant. The problem with tough situations is that they are already tough, and our human brain’s need to figure out damn near every possible scenario is to blame for that malarkey. Hey as a human being I guess in a way it’s a talent. Let me explain. When I get fixated on some things, positive things, I obsess to an unhealthy degree over them. It’s an internal obsession but still, the things I sink my teeth into so to speak keep me awake at night. In those sorts of circumstances it brings about great things and great results in my undertakings. In those instances I can’t fault myself at all. There is always the other side of the coin to the obsessing though. Grabbing a beer and telling myself to sit down and shut up is an attempt to get this negative series of worries and fixations to pipe down for a little while. It’s exhausted me both yesterday and today, but prior to that I’d been having a string of pretty okay days. Nothing stupendous but not as many nose dives. It’s frustrating how strong those tracts are in our minds sometimes. A flap of the tiny butterflies wings sends a seismic shift through your mind and then you find yourself buried under fifty tons of ‘Im a sad sack of suck’. Commence the digging out and rebuilding to try again tomorrow! To start the process, I’m going to shut up and have a beer. Perhaps if you’re worrying yourself silly, you should too.
They’ve done multiple studies related to depression and eye contact, or more to the point, the lack of eye contact initiated by depressed individuals. Speaking of myself lately, I will seat myself next to those folks doing a less than stellar job of maintaining even fleeting eye contact.
It stems from what I am dealing with at the moment I have no doubt. What I have been trying to understand is what factors are playing into that feeling of not being confident enough in myself to look people in the eye. The most odd discovery is my inability to even look at myself in the mirror without feeling a sense of shame. Thinking about that, considering what’s going on, and what I’ve been finding, I’ve arrived at two big things and I will explain their impact.
-missing my daughter
-not living in a home I own
The first one, missing my daughter, is absolutely no shock to me at all. The shock comes in that because I miss her, I find myself afraid to speak of her. Perhaps because it forces me to acknowledge inwardly how much I miss her. Her name comes up, or children are discussed, and I feel this swell of love, pride, pain, and sadness. It’s an odd mix, and given so much of my days lately are spent simply trying to stay level, I tend to fall into a feeling of despair because it hits me with such force.
The second issue I’ve identified is the lack of owning the home I currently live in at this time. I own the home I lived in previously but due to my recent move, it is now being rented to a wonderful family.
I used to gripe about the stuff of homeownership, but I find myself missing that content feeling of ‘this is mine’. Lately it’s a feeling of wanting to make a change to the home, or seeing something that could be fixed or improved etc, and knowing it’s pointless because I am a resident in the home but have no right to alter this place.
I suppose it boils down to missing the feeling of control I experienced with owning my home, I could make any change I wanted, and I often did. I remember painting numerous walls, refinishing probably half the floors in the home due to my hatred for carpet, yard work, a paver brick patio, and countless other little home ownership memories.
I have control over a fair number of aspects of my life but none feel quite as concrete as having the controls experienced with the above two. Control is the wrong word to use in Regards to my daughter, perhaps it’s that control of knowing I was only a short drive away. Now that short drive is a few hour plane flight, it’s quite an adjustment.
Identifying those two things and their influence on me was a bit of a surprise for me. I’ve been forcing eye contact more the last few days, and it’s a task, I feel completely exposed. Normalcy feeling uncomfortable is an oddity for sure. That’s the normalcy I want though, eye contact, confidence and ease. Fake it till ya make it, right?
That’s enough musing for the time being. It feels good to express it, even though I likely know none of you that will read this. I hope you, reader, are well and happiness keeps hold of your spirit.