I’ve been sidelined with a few very pressing matters recently. So pressing in fact they have superseded any attempts at writing of any sort. I can say that lately despite all the shit going on, I don’t feel the depressive fog. I feel more clear, a bit more focused. I still feel like crap often and the negative ruminating bludgeon that is my inner voice has been an unconquerable bastard lately. However, I do feel some clarity. I recently stumbled upon the term ‘codependent’, and I gave the article a thorough read and about fell over when I basically saw myself portrayed in the article. Not a ‘go me!’ Kind of realization, more of a ‘holy cow I need to explore this weakness’ further type realization. I’ve been devouring any and all articles related to the topic. As I’ve stated in previous blogs I suck and have sucked all my life with boundaries. I’m awesome at thinking whatever is wrong with you, is likely due to something being wrong with me and that is what is causing you distress. It’s toxic, and I think it’s why the inner voice sometimes feels like a Titan that can’t possibly be bested. It’s been given millions of seconds of time to practice and hone its tradecraft. I’m a bit perturbed to see just how long I’ve allowed myself to in a sense be trampled on by a fair enough number of people. As they say, recognizing a problem is the first step, so I’ve added that to the list of things I’ve been delving into, and it’s been interesting to learn. I’m much more aware of myself lately I’d say. That disembodied ability to look at myself and a situation, as taught with mindfulness, is being brought to bear more often. I’ve got a much clearer sense of where my boundaries are now, which feels good. I say it feels good but it’s also terrifying because now I have to walk the walk if I talk the talk. I can’t bullshit someone and draw a line in the sand then back up and draw another when they step over the first. It’s a scary endeavor but having a better sense of ‘control’ does feel good and it’s given my confidence in some ways a bit of a jump.
Until next time.