It’s been too many days since I posted on here.  That sounded like a confession… anyway, it has been, and my only excuse is ambivalence and a busied mind.  

Lately I’ve had a fair amount going on that is consuming my days and my energies. Mostly work, which is nothing to complain about seeing as I brought it on myself in asking for more productivity. Something I am proud of and hopefully it continues. I’ve had a few happenings this week that have done nothing short of change the arc of my life and I find myself overwhelmed and nervous even though the changes are incredibly positive.  I think it may stem from the fact that I tend to see situations as never-ending.  Once I’m out of them I sometimes find myself looking around saying ‘now what?’.  It’s been an issue I’ve worked on for quite some time, looking past a problem or goal and into the future of what lies beyond them.  I’m noticing my set point lately on an emotional level seems to be dread,  which only hurts my happiness as it’s difficult to be present when I’m wondering what the hell is going to go wrong next.  It’s a stupid way to think but lately it’s as automatic as blinking and breathing, I’ve taken a big step back in that respect I guess.  The good part is recognizing, but the difference between recognizing an issue and taking legitimate action against it are two very different things.  I think taking things seriously all the time is to some detriment. I keep taking myself as not being enough, or severely lacking, very seriously.  The hateful inner speech has been after me again, I’m depersonlizing it to help separate it from myself to avoid feeling any worse.  I see it, now to do something about it 

I need to focus on the amazing possibilities that lay before me, things I’ve not dreamed of being able to even envision until a large span of time into the future.  It’s truly an incredible thing. I will make a better effort to embrace that I deserve to be happy, that the stormy seas are allowed to calm, and I am allowed to relax a little bit.  

Actions or words

Here is an an age old question.  Which is the best to trust? On paper it’s about as simple as it gets, always actions.  Words written or printed on paper don’t tend to overwhelm sense and reason like the spoken word does. The spoken word, with it’s whispered intention, crumbles even the sturdiest of walls we build around our hearts and minds.  The problem only tends to lie when the actions being done to us dig away at our sense of worth as the words lift us up in what feels like an almost opiate induced euphoria. The kind of thing that sends alarm bells sounding far and wide to everyone but you.  That sort of dissonance of intent and action do a mighty good job of destroying us as we sip evermore on the saltwater of good intentions trying to quench the thirst brought about by nonexistent actions. I find myself wrestling with such an issue lately.  To dive in to possibility and risk being dragged to the bottom and drowned. Or do I stay on land, high and dry, wondering ‘what if’.   It reminds me of a great song from the lead singer of incubus. It’s a song called ‘lady black’ where he emphatically sings ‘should I stay dry, or should I get wet, do I hang on, or should I let go? Should I let go?’.  Beautiful simplicity that captures my present conundrum almost perfectly.  I still don’t know. It feels like drowning at times then coming up and drinking in the sweetest air at other times.   I’ll enjoy my final glass of wine before turning in and hopefully finding that answer sooner than later. But then again an answer always comes to us eventually. Hopefully it doesn’t involve lungs full of water.