I feel I’ve been a victim of such a thing for a while now. Abuse of ourselves by others is an insidious thing. The frog and the slowly boiled water comes to mind. I’ve had a lot of eye opening realizations lately. I don’t care to delve further but the kicker is that I’m a few hundred miles down a really shitty path and I’ve only finally gotten off the pickup truck and asked exactly where the fuck we are headed. Because frankly the destination doesn’t look too appealing. The destination isn’t something I signed up for and I feel my heels digging in and my cheek beginning to turn. When someone asks how you are, you state how you are feeling and there’s a certain generosity that is felt and reciprocated when we open up. Lately, well, for a bit now, I’ve found myself falling victim to inquiries into how I am, but in a tone of ‘just making sure you’re still here’. Given the nature of the connection, it’s an appalling realization. Even more irritating is that it’s true, that’s the nature of the correspondence. A reply on my behalf stating I’m not good, and this persons help is needed, is met with a text that mirrors a field of crickets. You can shout all you want about needs to the crickets in the field, they don’t care, they have their own song to sing. It’s a sad realization, a crushing one if I am being honest. The bright side is that I only really started realizing it when I started paying attention to those in my life whose care and concern for my wellbeing was met with a sense of ‘you’re not alone, how can I help?’. Offering themselves with no expectation of a return. Only a mutual understanding that this is how friendships and really any relationship works. That one day they can trust that if they need me, I am there as well, and I always have been and always will. I can’t imagine another standard of which to hold myself.
I’ve decided to meet this feigned concern with silence. Answering makes me feel less than myself and it’s a roll of the dice as to whether a genuine reply will be given, but then again a genuine reply should never be wondered or worried about. Hence the necessity to remain silent.